The Princess is feeling blue today. She woke up this morning with a stiff back. No amount of analgesic cream could relieve it.

Who put a bean under her mattress?!

Anyway, The Princess is going to discuss one of her pet peeves today - things airline passengers do to frustate crew. However, today she's only to put into categories these people. Have fun spotting your category!

The Snail

The Snail carry their house with them when travelling. How else do you explain the heavy luggage carried onboard? The Snail also take eternity to put his luggage into the overheard compartment and takes forever to settle down, effectively creating long traffics on the aisles.

There's also a mutated kind of The Snail that INSIST crew to lift his bull-gage into the overhead compartment. You can usually spot this mutated species by his built (TWICE the size of the poor crew) and a bodoh-sombong attitude. To transform this mutated species into normal Snail, try saying something along the lines of "Too heavy", "Must be checked-in" and he would miraculously gain some super-strength and lift the heavy bags into the compartment faster than you can say "Offload".

The Hermit

The Hermit always find an excuse to change seats. Somehow, there's always something wrong with the allocated seat. Excuses can range from the below:

1. But I want to sit with my mistress...not some wrinkly old lady.
2. My legs are too long. That lady sitting at the emergency exit row, she could sit here. Look, she's so short I bet her legs will be dangling from the seat. I insist on the extra legroom (Tough luck, blame your parents for giving you long legs)
3. Ticketing told me this is a window seat. I don't care, by hook or by crook, I WANT a window seat. Take it away from that small girl looking so eagerly out of the window. She's only like, what, 9? She has plenty of chance to see the view from above. I want a window seat, I want a window seat....Boo hoo...I want a window seat.
4. Please, sister, 44 is my unlucky number. Could I have seat 33 cos that's my lucky number?

The Monkey

Ah, the bane of all cabin crew. Imagine this scene. You're going down the aisle doing the service. You turn to serve this passenger and he requested for a Coke. By now, alarm bells start ringing. You can bet your bottom dollar that all the rows after will request for Coke. You could have assorted soft drinks in your cart, but no, only Coke will do.

Monkey See, Monkey Do.

Another scenario. Long haul, night flight. Some passengers are asleep, some are watching movies. Suddenly, the call bell rings. A crew attends to the passengers immedately. Passenger asks for a glass of water. Crew goes back and brings a glass of water to passenger. Neighbour would like for a glass of water too. Crew goes back and brings a glass of water. Passenger in the row behind would like some water as well, crew goes back and brings a glass of water.

Monkey See, Monkey Do.

The Monkey can be kiasu and greedy, too. The Monkey would keep anything provided, be it tray, plates, pillow and extra meal. Heck, The Monkey would happily carry away the plane if they could. The Monkey likes nothing better than free stuff. They would be bugging the crew for playing cards, postcards, pens and stuff. God forbid if The Monkey saw a kid receiving a children's kit courtesy of the airline. Frenzied Monkey Parents will nudge force their kids to harass the crew for children's kit.

Monkey See, Monkey Do.

The Sloth

The Sloth would not budge from the moment he plonks his ass on the seat. Primary means of communication is by through the call bell. The Sloth would even gladly ask to be carried to the loo if that's possible. The Sloth tries to mask his excessive demands with pleasantries like "Please", "Thank you" and "You're such a darling". However, if you dare to attend late to The Sloth, be prepared to be complaint about, LOUDLY.

The Peacock

The Peacock thinks highly of herself and is a class above us mere mortals. The Peacock walks with airs into the cabin and demands undivided attention. The Peacock sniggers at the rest of passengers and thinks that the rest of the passengers are most probably some lower-class people going to work as maids in a foreign country. The Peacock maintains a permanent constipated look if seated next to one of these so-called lower-class. If The Peacock happens to be member of the airline's frequent flyer club, be rest assured the card will be displayed on the tray table or casually mentioned to the crew. If not given his/her preferred meal of choice, The Peacock would throw a a major tantrum. Besides being member of the frequent flyer program, The Peacock makes up 80% of The Serial Complaint Club.

The Leopard-Trying-To-Lose-It's-Spots

For writing's sake, this category would be called The Leopard. The Leopard are those who hold foreign passports, such as a British passport. Extremely proud of this fact, just like The Peacock, they expect different treatment from their fellow countrymen (those from their country of origin,of course) An extremely sad species, they talk with strong accents (Even if they have spent their entire life in India and only 1 year in the UK).

Below are some real-life encountered situations:

During meal service,
The Leopard: I have a British passport (Proceed to display passport on table)
Crew: So you don't have to eat? (Smile sweetly)

The Leopard: I have a British passport
Crew: Congratulations! So, how many years did you work in MacDonald before getting one?

The Leopard: I have a British passport. Do I get a separate menu?
Crew: So do I Sir/Madam, so do I.

The Leopard: You know, I'm going to India for holidays. I'm actually a British passport holder (Passenger proceeded to long-winded explanation to convince crew he's not from India despite looking like one)

The Princess is puzzled by The Leopard's behaviour. She thinks there's really nothing wrong being an Indian/Chines/Filipino/whatever nationalities for that matter.

Have you spotted your category? Give me a shout if you do or if you think you have new species to add. That's all peeps, The Princess now retreats to her royal chamber to catch some beauty sleep.